Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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