Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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