Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
