worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
