so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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