remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
