You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
