Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
