why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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