you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I don't deserve a penis
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
