remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
