just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
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You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
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Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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