Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
