OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
