I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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