So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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