I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
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