I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
