I looked at my own cervix.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
