i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
