I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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