you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Randomize
