I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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