I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Sext me about skeletons
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