last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
