ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
