I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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