This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Everclear isn't food dammit
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