I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
