Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
