Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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