I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
