I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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