If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
