I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
