Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
