im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I feel great
I just peed on a car
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
did i just pee glitter
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
