I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
