You just made me feel so damn special
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
