i'm signing you up for texting rehab
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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