Your face is a jimmy john
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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