I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??