if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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