I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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