Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
