This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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