who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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