I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
