So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
