She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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