Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
