Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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