I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
