Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
