Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
