i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Every concussion has its silver lining
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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