I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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