This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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