Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize