I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
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He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
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He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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