They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
