before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
