I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
