Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
