Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
