They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Randomize
