I want to stick my p in your. b.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
