You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
